Santa Clara Behavioral Health Center

The ambulance ride seemed so fast. The driver and the guy in the back were really nice. They played 94.9 and we talked the entire way. I remember thinking how I didn't want them to think I was crazy or pass judgment on me. I was extremely scared about where I was going but I hoped they would help me feel better.


We arrived they wheeled me in, I got off the gurney, they left and it was just the intake coordinator any myself. I signed so much paperwork to this day I have no idea what I signed. They offered me dinner which I never touched, checked my belongings in, and put a new bracelet on me. They showed me around the facility which seemed to huge that night. They walked me to my room and I saw my roommate was already asleep.


I asked for something to help me sleep and they gave me something. I called my mom and Roberto and said goodnight. Went back to my room and tried to lay down. My mind kept racing... I was wondering how my baby was, I was telling myself what a horrible mother I was, and my mind was telling me I'd never get better. I was also curious who my roommate was and why she was there. Finally at I don't know what time I was able to fall asleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling as though I never slept. This part of my life seems like a complete blur so some parts might be left out. I met with a doctor who recommended me to switch taking my meds from evening to morning and also increased my zoloft from 50mg to 100 mg , gave me trazadone for sleep, and xanax for anxiety. I was scared of this place but at the same time felt same. I knew these people wouldn't let me hurt myself or anyone else.

My mom and Roberto visited me every day. They even brought Johnny to visit me which made me happy. The first time they brought him I was scared. I didn't want to have those thoughts and feelings about him all I wanted to do was love him. I cried and cried all the time at the hospital I missed Johnny so much and just wanted to get better. I had no idea until I arrived there and the doctor told me I was depressed that I was.

My room was cold and empty. It had big windows that looked out onto the street, two beds with plastic mattresses, two blankets and two pillows. Each room in the hospital had a bathroom. The door to the bathroom was a swinging plastic door that had a gap at the bottom and the top. You never got privacy. The bathroom was similar to something you'd find in a jail cell. A metal toilet, sink, and a shower that you pushed a button for to turn on. the water was luke warm and turned off after thirty seconds. You continuously had to push the button for it to come back on. That was it that was the extent of our room.

The days and nights went by so quick! I was glad because I knew each day I would feel better. My second roommate was an awesome lady. She was in and out very quick and I wished she never left. The third roommate I got was seeing and hearing things and would stand in the corner talking to her self. This scared me. On the floor we also had a women who had Alzheimer’s and in the middle of the night she came in bed with me. It scared the crap out of me, but I knew she was harmless. She had been in other peoples rooms plenty of times and put on their clothing. I met some very nice people and some people that had lots of challenges while in Santa Clara. For example the man with blue hair who wanted to know where the swimming pool was.

I had visited my father at several facilities and this by far was the best one. We had cable tv, the facility was new, we had access to the internet, and we got to pick the foods we wanted each day. The food was actually really good. I noticed I was starting to have a glimpse of feeling better when I started to sleep and feel rested, be able to eat, and my mind wasn't racing so fast.

Roberto was starting to miss me and was putting pressure on me to come home. At one point he even threatened to leave me and take Johnny from me. I knew I was a horrible mother and that they both deserved better... I cried and cried scared that I would be left alone. Roberto eventually calmed down and admitted he was just lonely and wanted me home. I wanted to be home too but I wanted to be better even more. I felt like I had taken three steps back that day.

The social worker sat down with Roberto and I and gave him some info on PPD. I wished she had talked to us more. Just to get Roberto to stop being mad I promised him I'd go home on Friday. When he came that Friday and found out I wouldn’t be going home he was furious with me. Again he told me he was going to take Johnny from me. I held my son and tried not to cry while the women monitored our visit. To this day it still hurts me. Roberto left with Johnny and I went back to my room not knowing if or when I'd see the two of them again.

My First Ambulance Ride

I after so many days of no sleep I started having horrible thoughts. I was scared to be alone with Johnny. Finally on the tenth day I knew it was bad. I called my mom and she knew something was wrong. She told me Dave (my step dad) was coming over. I had Johnny in his crib and I was sitting on my porch crying. I told my mom I didn’t want him to come, but when he got there I felt relief.

All day I had been trying to get help. I was searching for a reason why I felt the way I did and how I could fix it. I had called several therapists and finally called Kaiser.  I called my doctor and she was out and I got an on call doctor. He asked me several questions and all I did was cry. Thank god for him he saved my life. He knew something was wrong. He asked me who was with me and I told him my step dad and told me I was to give him the phone. He told me I needed to go to the emergency room ASAP. I tried to reason with him and told him I would as soon as my mom got off work and his response was either I go now or he was sending an ambulance. I handed the phone to Dave and went and put some clothes on. Dave spoke to the doctor and took Johnny to go pick up Walter from school. He returned in what seemed like 5 minutes and we left to the ER.

I walked into the ER alone I left my baby behind. I was crying and the nurses just asked my name. I guess the doctor let them know I would be on my way because they didn’t ask any questions. They took my vitals which were off the charts. This didn’t ease my anxiety hearing this. They escorted me to the back and let me know I was now being held on a 5150 hold had had a security guard sit beside my bed in the ER.

My mom finally got off work and came to see me, Grant came as well, and I eventually called Roberto who was on his way home from work. I was so scared to tell Roberto…. He came and was exhausted from work so I sent him home. I waited for the psychiatrist to come and evaluate me. It seemed like forever until she got there. She spoke to me alone and then told my mom and I that she was going to try and get me into a volunteer facility. I was immediately struck with fear. I did not want to be in a “facility”.

The doctor came back and told me the volunteer facility was full and I would be sent to Santa Clara Behavioral Health Center. Santa Clara seemed like 5 states away. How could I leave me ten day old baby?!? It was now a waiting game for the ambulance to transport me. Everyone was gone except for Grant and I was praying they’d let him ride with me in the ambulance. Finally several hours later they let me know the ambulance was there. Then they gave me the news I’d have to ride by myself. I’d never been in an ambulance before. I said goodbye to Grant. They transferred me from the ER bed to the ambulance gurney. They wheeled me out to the ambulance, got in, shut the doors, and we drove off.

Homeward Bound

They sent us home on the third day with an appointment to check Johnny’s jaundice levels the next morning. Johnny was born with Robertos blood type therefore he was fighting off my blood.

As I packed my stuff my mind was racing... I remember thinking they’re just going to let me take this baby home. I don’t know what I’m doing. Roberto left to get my prescriptions and the car and I cried after he left thinking please don't leave me alone. He was quick and they called for someone to wheel me down. As I entered the elevator a women joined us and commented on how cute Johnny was. She mentioned she was visiting her baby in the NICU. Her baby was premature and she also told me about how her baby before this was born still born. All I could say was "at least you have this baby."

We got in the car and had no idea how to put the car seat in so the entire way home I held on to Johnny and the car seat. When we arrived home Roberto's family wanted to come over. I was already not feeling well so I asked if they could wait a few days. Unfortunately this turned against me and everyone in Roberto's family was mad at me. What the hell how can I be in the wrong!! I just had a baby and knew something was wrong and now I have to deal with this. So I sucked it up and apologized.

 That night I didn’t sleep 5mins. We took Johnny to Kaiser and I just couldn’t focus. Roberto was getting so mad telling me “I needed to get myself together.” He was furious with the fact that Johnny would cry and I wouldn’t comfort him. I just cried which angered him even more. The next day was the same thing we had to go back to have his blood drawn again. The next day was Johnny’s first doctor appointment. I had been giving Johnny bottles at night because I still wasn’t sleeping and just couldn’t handle nursing 24/7. Johnny was crying he had needed a diaper change and I was too exhausted to even walk back to the parking lot to get his diaper bag. Thank god the doctor made a make shift diaper. I was so pissed at her for making me feel like a failure for giving Johnny formula. She reinforced Roberto’s thoughts that Johnny did not need formula. I hated this woman!! Who was she? Did she even have children?

 

Johnny was one week old when Roberto returned to work; working ten to eleven hours including his commute. He left at 6am and returned at 6pm. When he got home I just wanted him to take over and care for Johnny. I still never got any sleep. Roberto would wake up and ask me if I slept and my response was always no. He said not even 30minutes and I responded not even one minute. My appetite diminished which gave me even more anxiety about nursing. I kept thinking I was going to pass out. One night my mom brought burritos for us and I was stuffing my face. I said oh my god I'm so happy I can eat. Roberto and my mom just laughed at me and said yeah it doesn't look like you’re having problems. What they didn't know was I was forcing myself to eat all the time. I never felt hungry and nothing seemed appetizing to me.

Back to work

I just finished my first week of work. Honestly sometimes I don't know how I made it through. I had thoughts like what if I just went crazy or lost it and went off on my coworkers. A couple days I didn't think I would make it. At 2pm today all I kept thinking was just three more hours and I'll make it to the weekend. I received two hours of down time/training and then was thrown into making sales calls. I was hoping my first week would be an easy transition but NO it was busy from the start.

This week was also stressful because my office is really far behind in placements and was putting pressure on all of us to make them. I swear this is the third time I was hired and the business was behind in sales. The last two I helped them increase by more than 100% so I'm sure I can do it again. My boss was excited I uncovered two past placements that weren't documented. My worry the entire time was that people would notice me zoning out which is because of my medication. I knew it would happen and my boss noticed it once and called me on it. I'm hoping she just thinks it was that one time and that it gets better. I was also worried I'd be extremely exhausted and not be able to do my job. Today that happened. I could not focus after 2 o’clock. My boss noticed that as well. She told me I could leave ten minutes early because she could tell I was tired. I hope this isn't a pattern.

I'm not this type of employee I hate this! I'm also frustrated with how tired I am. Johnny and I get home at 5:30 we eat play and then he eats at 7:30 and were both asleep by 8pm. We’re up at five am and then leave the house at 7:30. I feel like the time I spend with him isn't really fun! I'm excited it's the weekend and we get to spend some time together. I visited Johnny at lunch today and he was paying more attention to the babysitter than me. It made me worry he doesn't love me or that he prefers her. I'm not going to visit at lunch anymore because all it did was make me sad.

My coworkers went out for sushi Friday night. I wanted to go so I could be part of the crowd, but I was too exhausted! Luckily I didn’t as soon as I took Johnny out of his car seat I realized he had pooped all the way up his back. This wasn’t the first time and certainly won’t be the last. Roberto was also running late so it was just Johnny and me until Roberto got home. Three months from now I can attend school and have my tuition reimbursed. I’m hoping in three months I’m able to take a class even if it’s one at a time. I might as well take advantage of it. That means my weekends will be pretty much be taking care of Johnny and completing my course work.

Jennys Light

I got back a little while ago from Jenny’s light. This is an organization to help women with port partum mood disorders including postpartum depression. I saw a women who worked at Kaiser in patient which is where I was. She remembered my eyes watered remembering my time in the hospital. It seems so long ago and so recent at the same time. The pain is still very fresh. Jenny had postpartum depression and didn't get help unfortunately she killed her one month old son and herself.


Every time I hear a story I wonder if they had postpartum depression. I know the pain these women went through if in fact they had it. There were lots of times I wanted to die rather than feel the way I did. I thought I was going crazy and I didn't want to live my life as a "crazy person". Every object would lead me to think about how I could kill myself or possibly hurt Johnny. My fear of hurting Johnny was the scariest thing in the world. I didn't care about myself but hurting Johnny brought me shame and guilt. I love him more than anything in the world and would never do anything to hurt him. Just the fear of losing control made me want to die.



I also saw a therapist from the moms group I attended there. I said a brief hello on my way to my car to go home. It was sad that I got barely a response I guess she didn't recognize me. I've been finished with the program for only a couple weeks. I'm hoping she was just overwhelmed from all the people there. There must have been over a thousand people. It was surprising to me to see so many people. Maybe one day I'll even be able to run in these events.



Jenny’s walk was great my mom, brothers, step dad, aunt, and of course Johnny came and supported me. These people have been my rock and have been there for me the entire time. I know I can never repay them for what they have done for me. I've decided to not just walk in ppd walks but to walk in every cause I feel a draw to. The next walk is to support at risk youth and brain trauma injury victims. The one after will be the March of Dimes. I've never really had other hobbies besides shopping, but now I think I've found one. It makes me happy to support others.



"So, does anyone know if Victoria Something Something killed her baby yet?" This was a posting from one of my mom’s groups yesterday. How the hell could anyone say that!! Of course I had to respond nicely and let them know this wasn't okay. I realize many people don't understand mental illness, but this was not funny. Victoria is someone I have talked to and have followed her story. She is suffering from PPD just like me. I pray that she didn't see this conversation because nobody needs to know people are disapproving of them. PPD is very treatable and I have been told I should make a full recovery.



I've been so busy this weekend that I've almost forgotten I start work tomorrow. Johnny's staying at my mom’s tonight so I can hopefully get a good night’s sleep. Last night Johnny rolled over for the first time. He was so mad. He was screaming! He did this twice and wanted his pacifier another two times. Let's just say I had a crappy night’s sleep. We took family pictures yesterday which came out pretty good. The only thing I hate is how fat I am. I need to lose 25 pounds ASAP. My face looks sooo fat. Also Roberto went and got Snoopy from the shelter. It cost us over $100 to get him back. He's upset I wasn't upset the dog was gone. I've blamed it on the medication. Which I hope is the truth.

Johnny's Second Day of Life

People kept coming in and as they left they all said "Try and get some sleep." I grew to hate those words. I laid in bed while they poked and prodded Johnny. Unfortunatly Johnny was born wih Roberto's blood type and his body was fighting mine off. He had to get his blood work done a handful of times to check his billiruben levels. Due to Johnny's jaundice and being born wih a cold we were required to stay another night at the hospital.

The second night I was so exhausted after not sleeping for three days. I had a full blown panic attack in the maternity ward. I wanted out! I wanted fresh air. I begged them to let me otside. Of course thgey said no. The nurse walked the halls with me trying to calm me down eventually the panic subsided but the anxiety didn’t. I was so annoyed when Johnny cried to be fed. I demanded the nurse to bring me a bottle because I just couldn’t fathom nursing.  The nurse gave me a really hard time but reluctantly brought it. I told her and Roberto I just couldn’t feed him, I couldn’t do it. The nurse brought in some man made feeding contraption and Roberto fed Johnny while I laid there and cried thinking what did I do. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? The next day was difficult as well Roberto took on the responsibility in the hospital for caring for Johnny. Nurses, doctors, and hospital staff who entered the room always commented on what a great father. This made me feel even more like a horrible mother and failure.

The hospital requested the hospital social worker to come see me because of my prior history of anxiety. When she first came I told her everything was fine, but after my horrible night I told her she needed to call my psychiatrist and my therapist. That previous night I made the nurse call and get an order for Zoloft which of course won’t help right away. The hospital social worker was inept she called my psychiatrist but never called my therapist. I asked her why not and she said she didn’t know I wanted her to. What the hell!!! My psychiatrist called and told me to continue on 25mg of Zoloft and increase to 50mg if I didn’t feel better in a few days. That night I took 50mg I wasn’t waiting another day to see if I felt better I knew I wouldn’t.

The Dogs

My aunt took the dogs away today. Everyone’s asking if I'm sad, but honestly I feel relieved. I can't imagine going back to work, taking care of Johnny, and then coming home and dealing with the dogs. It's not just about a feeling of being overwhelmed, but Snoopy is very dangerous. Roberto and I were scared Snoopy might hurt Johnny.