My First Ambulance Ride

I after so many days of no sleep I started having horrible thoughts. I was scared to be alone with Johnny. Finally on the tenth day I knew it was bad. I called my mom and she knew something was wrong. She told me Dave (my step dad) was coming over. I had Johnny in his crib and I was sitting on my porch crying. I told my mom I didn’t want him to come, but when he got there I felt relief.

All day I had been trying to get help. I was searching for a reason why I felt the way I did and how I could fix it. I had called several therapists and finally called Kaiser.  I called my doctor and she was out and I got an on call doctor. He asked me several questions and all I did was cry. Thank god for him he saved my life. He knew something was wrong. He asked me who was with me and I told him my step dad and told me I was to give him the phone. He told me I needed to go to the emergency room ASAP. I tried to reason with him and told him I would as soon as my mom got off work and his response was either I go now or he was sending an ambulance. I handed the phone to Dave and went and put some clothes on. Dave spoke to the doctor and took Johnny to go pick up Walter from school. He returned in what seemed like 5 minutes and we left to the ER.

I walked into the ER alone I left my baby behind. I was crying and the nurses just asked my name. I guess the doctor let them know I would be on my way because they didn’t ask any questions. They took my vitals which were off the charts. This didn’t ease my anxiety hearing this. They escorted me to the back and let me know I was now being held on a 5150 hold had had a security guard sit beside my bed in the ER.

My mom finally got off work and came to see me, Grant came as well, and I eventually called Roberto who was on his way home from work. I was so scared to tell Roberto…. He came and was exhausted from work so I sent him home. I waited for the psychiatrist to come and evaluate me. It seemed like forever until she got there. She spoke to me alone and then told my mom and I that she was going to try and get me into a volunteer facility. I was immediately struck with fear. I did not want to be in a “facility”.

The doctor came back and told me the volunteer facility was full and I would be sent to Santa Clara Behavioral Health Center. Santa Clara seemed like 5 states away. How could I leave me ten day old baby?!? It was now a waiting game for the ambulance to transport me. Everyone was gone except for Grant and I was praying they’d let him ride with me in the ambulance. Finally several hours later they let me know the ambulance was there. Then they gave me the news I’d have to ride by myself. I’d never been in an ambulance before. I said goodbye to Grant. They transferred me from the ER bed to the ambulance gurney. They wheeled me out to the ambulance, got in, shut the doors, and we drove off.