My First Ambulance Ride

I after so many days of no sleep I started having horrible thoughts. I was scared to be alone with Johnny. Finally on the tenth day I knew it was bad. I called my mom and she knew something was wrong. She told me Dave (my step dad) was coming over. I had Johnny in his crib and I was sitting on my porch crying. I told my mom I didn’t want him to come, but when he got there I felt relief.

All day I had been trying to get help. I was searching for a reason why I felt the way I did and how I could fix it. I had called several therapists and finally called Kaiser.  I called my doctor and she was out and I got an on call doctor. He asked me several questions and all I did was cry. Thank god for him he saved my life. He knew something was wrong. He asked me who was with me and I told him my step dad and told me I was to give him the phone. He told me I needed to go to the emergency room ASAP. I tried to reason with him and told him I would as soon as my mom got off work and his response was either I go now or he was sending an ambulance. I handed the phone to Dave and went and put some clothes on. Dave spoke to the doctor and took Johnny to go pick up Walter from school. He returned in what seemed like 5 minutes and we left to the ER.

I walked into the ER alone I left my baby behind. I was crying and the nurses just asked my name. I guess the doctor let them know I would be on my way because they didn’t ask any questions. They took my vitals which were off the charts. This didn’t ease my anxiety hearing this. They escorted me to the back and let me know I was now being held on a 5150 hold had had a security guard sit beside my bed in the ER.

My mom finally got off work and came to see me, Grant came as well, and I eventually called Roberto who was on his way home from work. I was so scared to tell Roberto…. He came and was exhausted from work so I sent him home. I waited for the psychiatrist to come and evaluate me. It seemed like forever until she got there. She spoke to me alone and then told my mom and I that she was going to try and get me into a volunteer facility. I was immediately struck with fear. I did not want to be in a “facility”.

The doctor came back and told me the volunteer facility was full and I would be sent to Santa Clara Behavioral Health Center. Santa Clara seemed like 5 states away. How could I leave me ten day old baby?!? It was now a waiting game for the ambulance to transport me. Everyone was gone except for Grant and I was praying they’d let him ride with me in the ambulance. Finally several hours later they let me know the ambulance was there. Then they gave me the news I’d have to ride by myself. I’d never been in an ambulance before. I said goodbye to Grant. They transferred me from the ER bed to the ambulance gurney. They wheeled me out to the ambulance, got in, shut the doors, and we drove off.

Homeward Bound

They sent us home on the third day with an appointment to check Johnny’s jaundice levels the next morning. Johnny was born with Robertos blood type therefore he was fighting off my blood.

As I packed my stuff my mind was racing... I remember thinking they’re just going to let me take this baby home. I don’t know what I’m doing. Roberto left to get my prescriptions and the car and I cried after he left thinking please don't leave me alone. He was quick and they called for someone to wheel me down. As I entered the elevator a women joined us and commented on how cute Johnny was. She mentioned she was visiting her baby in the NICU. Her baby was premature and she also told me about how her baby before this was born still born. All I could say was "at least you have this baby."

We got in the car and had no idea how to put the car seat in so the entire way home I held on to Johnny and the car seat. When we arrived home Roberto's family wanted to come over. I was already not feeling well so I asked if they could wait a few days. Unfortunately this turned against me and everyone in Roberto's family was mad at me. What the hell how can I be in the wrong!! I just had a baby and knew something was wrong and now I have to deal with this. So I sucked it up and apologized.

 That night I didn’t sleep 5mins. We took Johnny to Kaiser and I just couldn’t focus. Roberto was getting so mad telling me “I needed to get myself together.” He was furious with the fact that Johnny would cry and I wouldn’t comfort him. I just cried which angered him even more. The next day was the same thing we had to go back to have his blood drawn again. The next day was Johnny’s first doctor appointment. I had been giving Johnny bottles at night because I still wasn’t sleeping and just couldn’t handle nursing 24/7. Johnny was crying he had needed a diaper change and I was too exhausted to even walk back to the parking lot to get his diaper bag. Thank god the doctor made a make shift diaper. I was so pissed at her for making me feel like a failure for giving Johnny formula. She reinforced Roberto’s thoughts that Johnny did not need formula. I hated this woman!! Who was she? Did she even have children?

 

Johnny was one week old when Roberto returned to work; working ten to eleven hours including his commute. He left at 6am and returned at 6pm. When he got home I just wanted him to take over and care for Johnny. I still never got any sleep. Roberto would wake up and ask me if I slept and my response was always no. He said not even 30minutes and I responded not even one minute. My appetite diminished which gave me even more anxiety about nursing. I kept thinking I was going to pass out. One night my mom brought burritos for us and I was stuffing my face. I said oh my god I'm so happy I can eat. Roberto and my mom just laughed at me and said yeah it doesn't look like you’re having problems. What they didn't know was I was forcing myself to eat all the time. I never felt hungry and nothing seemed appetizing to me.