Back to work

I just finished my first week of work. Honestly sometimes I don't know how I made it through. I had thoughts like what if I just went crazy or lost it and went off on my coworkers. A couple days I didn't think I would make it. At 2pm today all I kept thinking was just three more hours and I'll make it to the weekend. I received two hours of down time/training and then was thrown into making sales calls. I was hoping my first week would be an easy transition but NO it was busy from the start.

This week was also stressful because my office is really far behind in placements and was putting pressure on all of us to make them. I swear this is the third time I was hired and the business was behind in sales. The last two I helped them increase by more than 100% so I'm sure I can do it again. My boss was excited I uncovered two past placements that weren't documented. My worry the entire time was that people would notice me zoning out which is because of my medication. I knew it would happen and my boss noticed it once and called me on it. I'm hoping she just thinks it was that one time and that it gets better. I was also worried I'd be extremely exhausted and not be able to do my job. Today that happened. I could not focus after 2 o’clock. My boss noticed that as well. She told me I could leave ten minutes early because she could tell I was tired. I hope this isn't a pattern.

I'm not this type of employee I hate this! I'm also frustrated with how tired I am. Johnny and I get home at 5:30 we eat play and then he eats at 7:30 and were both asleep by 8pm. We’re up at five am and then leave the house at 7:30. I feel like the time I spend with him isn't really fun! I'm excited it's the weekend and we get to spend some time together. I visited Johnny at lunch today and he was paying more attention to the babysitter than me. It made me worry he doesn't love me or that he prefers her. I'm not going to visit at lunch anymore because all it did was make me sad.

My coworkers went out for sushi Friday night. I wanted to go so I could be part of the crowd, but I was too exhausted! Luckily I didn’t as soon as I took Johnny out of his car seat I realized he had pooped all the way up his back. This wasn’t the first time and certainly won’t be the last. Roberto was also running late so it was just Johnny and me until Roberto got home. Three months from now I can attend school and have my tuition reimbursed. I’m hoping in three months I’m able to take a class even if it’s one at a time. I might as well take advantage of it. That means my weekends will be pretty much be taking care of Johnny and completing my course work.

Jennys Light

I got back a little while ago from Jenny’s light. This is an organization to help women with port partum mood disorders including postpartum depression. I saw a women who worked at Kaiser in patient which is where I was. She remembered my eyes watered remembering my time in the hospital. It seems so long ago and so recent at the same time. The pain is still very fresh. Jenny had postpartum depression and didn't get help unfortunately she killed her one month old son and herself.


Every time I hear a story I wonder if they had postpartum depression. I know the pain these women went through if in fact they had it. There were lots of times I wanted to die rather than feel the way I did. I thought I was going crazy and I didn't want to live my life as a "crazy person". Every object would lead me to think about how I could kill myself or possibly hurt Johnny. My fear of hurting Johnny was the scariest thing in the world. I didn't care about myself but hurting Johnny brought me shame and guilt. I love him more than anything in the world and would never do anything to hurt him. Just the fear of losing control made me want to die.



I also saw a therapist from the moms group I attended there. I said a brief hello on my way to my car to go home. It was sad that I got barely a response I guess she didn't recognize me. I've been finished with the program for only a couple weeks. I'm hoping she was just overwhelmed from all the people there. There must have been over a thousand people. It was surprising to me to see so many people. Maybe one day I'll even be able to run in these events.



Jenny’s walk was great my mom, brothers, step dad, aunt, and of course Johnny came and supported me. These people have been my rock and have been there for me the entire time. I know I can never repay them for what they have done for me. I've decided to not just walk in ppd walks but to walk in every cause I feel a draw to. The next walk is to support at risk youth and brain trauma injury victims. The one after will be the March of Dimes. I've never really had other hobbies besides shopping, but now I think I've found one. It makes me happy to support others.



"So, does anyone know if Victoria Something Something killed her baby yet?" This was a posting from one of my mom’s groups yesterday. How the hell could anyone say that!! Of course I had to respond nicely and let them know this wasn't okay. I realize many people don't understand mental illness, but this was not funny. Victoria is someone I have talked to and have followed her story. She is suffering from PPD just like me. I pray that she didn't see this conversation because nobody needs to know people are disapproving of them. PPD is very treatable and I have been told I should make a full recovery.



I've been so busy this weekend that I've almost forgotten I start work tomorrow. Johnny's staying at my mom’s tonight so I can hopefully get a good night’s sleep. Last night Johnny rolled over for the first time. He was so mad. He was screaming! He did this twice and wanted his pacifier another two times. Let's just say I had a crappy night’s sleep. We took family pictures yesterday which came out pretty good. The only thing I hate is how fat I am. I need to lose 25 pounds ASAP. My face looks sooo fat. Also Roberto went and got Snoopy from the shelter. It cost us over $100 to get him back. He's upset I wasn't upset the dog was gone. I've blamed it on the medication. Which I hope is the truth.

Johnny's Second Day of Life

People kept coming in and as they left they all said "Try and get some sleep." I grew to hate those words. I laid in bed while they poked and prodded Johnny. Unfortunatly Johnny was born wih Roberto's blood type and his body was fighting mine off. He had to get his blood work done a handful of times to check his billiruben levels. Due to Johnny's jaundice and being born wih a cold we were required to stay another night at the hospital.

The second night I was so exhausted after not sleeping for three days. I had a full blown panic attack in the maternity ward. I wanted out! I wanted fresh air. I begged them to let me otside. Of course thgey said no. The nurse walked the halls with me trying to calm me down eventually the panic subsided but the anxiety didn’t. I was so annoyed when Johnny cried to be fed. I demanded the nurse to bring me a bottle because I just couldn’t fathom nursing.  The nurse gave me a really hard time but reluctantly brought it. I told her and Roberto I just couldn’t feed him, I couldn’t do it. The nurse brought in some man made feeding contraption and Roberto fed Johnny while I laid there and cried thinking what did I do. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? The next day was difficult as well Roberto took on the responsibility in the hospital for caring for Johnny. Nurses, doctors, and hospital staff who entered the room always commented on what a great father. This made me feel even more like a horrible mother and failure.

The hospital requested the hospital social worker to come see me because of my prior history of anxiety. When she first came I told her everything was fine, but after my horrible night I told her she needed to call my psychiatrist and my therapist. That previous night I made the nurse call and get an order for Zoloft which of course won’t help right away. The hospital social worker was inept she called my psychiatrist but never called my therapist. I asked her why not and she said she didn’t know I wanted her to. What the hell!!! My psychiatrist called and told me to continue on 25mg of Zoloft and increase to 50mg if I didn’t feel better in a few days. That night I took 50mg I wasn’t waiting another day to see if I felt better I knew I wouldn’t.