Johnny's Second Day of Life

People kept coming in and as they left they all said "Try and get some sleep." I grew to hate those words. I laid in bed while they poked and prodded Johnny. Unfortunatly Johnny was born wih Roberto's blood type and his body was fighting mine off. He had to get his blood work done a handful of times to check his billiruben levels. Due to Johnny's jaundice and being born wih a cold we were required to stay another night at the hospital.

The second night I was so exhausted after not sleeping for three days. I had a full blown panic attack in the maternity ward. I wanted out! I wanted fresh air. I begged them to let me otside. Of course thgey said no. The nurse walked the halls with me trying to calm me down eventually the panic subsided but the anxiety didn’t. I was so annoyed when Johnny cried to be fed. I demanded the nurse to bring me a bottle because I just couldn’t fathom nursing.  The nurse gave me a really hard time but reluctantly brought it. I told her and Roberto I just couldn’t feed him, I couldn’t do it. The nurse brought in some man made feeding contraption and Roberto fed Johnny while I laid there and cried thinking what did I do. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? The next day was difficult as well Roberto took on the responsibility in the hospital for caring for Johnny. Nurses, doctors, and hospital staff who entered the room always commented on what a great father. This made me feel even more like a horrible mother and failure.

The hospital requested the hospital social worker to come see me because of my prior history of anxiety. When she first came I told her everything was fine, but after my horrible night I told her she needed to call my psychiatrist and my therapist. That previous night I made the nurse call and get an order for Zoloft which of course won’t help right away. The hospital social worker was inept she called my psychiatrist but never called my therapist. I asked her why not and she said she didn’t know I wanted her to. What the hell!!! My psychiatrist called and told me to continue on 25mg of Zoloft and increase to 50mg if I didn’t feel better in a few days. That night I took 50mg I wasn’t waiting another day to see if I felt better I knew I wouldn’t.