Jennys Light

I got back a little while ago from Jenny’s light. This is an organization to help women with port partum mood disorders including postpartum depression. I saw a women who worked at Kaiser in patient which is where I was. She remembered my eyes watered remembering my time in the hospital. It seems so long ago and so recent at the same time. The pain is still very fresh. Jenny had postpartum depression and didn't get help unfortunately she killed her one month old son and herself.


Every time I hear a story I wonder if they had postpartum depression. I know the pain these women went through if in fact they had it. There were lots of times I wanted to die rather than feel the way I did. I thought I was going crazy and I didn't want to live my life as a "crazy person". Every object would lead me to think about how I could kill myself or possibly hurt Johnny. My fear of hurting Johnny was the scariest thing in the world. I didn't care about myself but hurting Johnny brought me shame and guilt. I love him more than anything in the world and would never do anything to hurt him. Just the fear of losing control made me want to die.



I also saw a therapist from the moms group I attended there. I said a brief hello on my way to my car to go home. It was sad that I got barely a response I guess she didn't recognize me. I've been finished with the program for only a couple weeks. I'm hoping she was just overwhelmed from all the people there. There must have been over a thousand people. It was surprising to me to see so many people. Maybe one day I'll even be able to run in these events.



Jenny’s walk was great my mom, brothers, step dad, aunt, and of course Johnny came and supported me. These people have been my rock and have been there for me the entire time. I know I can never repay them for what they have done for me. I've decided to not just walk in ppd walks but to walk in every cause I feel a draw to. The next walk is to support at risk youth and brain trauma injury victims. The one after will be the March of Dimes. I've never really had other hobbies besides shopping, but now I think I've found one. It makes me happy to support others.



"So, does anyone know if Victoria Something Something killed her baby yet?" This was a posting from one of my mom’s groups yesterday. How the hell could anyone say that!! Of course I had to respond nicely and let them know this wasn't okay. I realize many people don't understand mental illness, but this was not funny. Victoria is someone I have talked to and have followed her story. She is suffering from PPD just like me. I pray that she didn't see this conversation because nobody needs to know people are disapproving of them. PPD is very treatable and I have been told I should make a full recovery.



I've been so busy this weekend that I've almost forgotten I start work tomorrow. Johnny's staying at my mom’s tonight so I can hopefully get a good night’s sleep. Last night Johnny rolled over for the first time. He was so mad. He was screaming! He did this twice and wanted his pacifier another two times. Let's just say I had a crappy night’s sleep. We took family pictures yesterday which came out pretty good. The only thing I hate is how fat I am. I need to lose 25 pounds ASAP. My face looks sooo fat. Also Roberto went and got Snoopy from the shelter. It cost us over $100 to get him back. He's upset I wasn't upset the dog was gone. I've blamed it on the medication. Which I hope is the truth.