The Dogs

My aunt took the dogs away today. Everyone’s asking if I'm sad, but honestly I feel relieved. I can't imagine going back to work, taking care of Johnny, and then coming home and dealing with the dogs. It's not just about a feeling of being overwhelmed, but Snoopy is very dangerous. Roberto and I were scared Snoopy might hurt Johnny.

Johnny's Delivery

I worked until the end of Sept 10 days before I had Johnny. I kept busy and tried to get out at least once every day. Roberto asked every day if it was time and at one point I contemplated staying with my mom until it was time just so I wouldn’t have to hear him anymore. People were surprised by how active I was so close to my due date. Around five days before I had Johnny I started to slow down and take long naps throughout the day. I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep. When Roberto would come home from work I would think omg I’ve been in bed all day. It was getting so hard I couldn’t breathe, sleeping was always hard work tossing from side to side, and getting up was the worst. I have to say the last month was the most difficult of my entire pregnancy.

Oct 10^th at midnight I woke up and felt period like cramps I went to the bathroom and my underwear were wet. I came back in the room and told Roberto. He was excited and said “your water broke!” I wasn’t sure, but called labor and delivery any ways. They just told me to come in and get checked to see if it did. I asked if I could wait since I had a doctor appointment at 10am. They said if I wanted to. My contraction were getting closer and we were timing them 5mins apart and then 4 and finally at 3 minutes I decided it was time for us to get ready and go to the hospital. We took showers, I put away the laundry, grabbed last minute stuff and at 5:30 am we headed to the hospital.

On the way there I had so much adrenaline I wasn’t noticing anything around me. It was freezing and raining out, but I was in a t-shirt and hot. I had already pre-registered so they took me right back. The nurse remembered I had called earlier and brought me to the monitors to check me. Finally another nurse came in and asked me if I was feeling any contractions because they weren’t showing up. I thought for a second and realized no I wasn’t they had just stopped. I was scarred something had happened to Johnny. He was a lazy baby and kick counts never worked for him. I told her no, and proceeded to tell her about the wet underwear. She asked if I was filling a pad and I said no. She told me I probably just went to the bathroom. Then I got embarrassed and thought how stupid am I going to look this huge pregnant lady wheeling my suit case out of labor and delivery. The nurse let me know they were going to check the fluid just in case. I laid back and they checked me and all of a sudden a big gush came out. The nurses said they were going to check it but were pretty sure it was my water. I asked to go to the bathroom because it was disgusting. I heard a knock on the door and they told me we were going across the hall that I was staying.

I walked out and realized everyone was gone and had to go search for them. They arranged me in the labor and delivery room and it sunk in I has having Johnny very soon. My heart sank and I thought no I don’t want him out! Since my contractions stopped the nurse told me I’d need Pitocin. She ordered my breakfast and an hour later she started the Pitocin. Shortly my mom arrived and finally around one my contractions got bad. Roberto’s mom came to visit as well as my friend. I couldn’t take it anymore and asked them to check me. They told me I was only at a four and that’s when I asked for an epidural. I knew I couldn’t take hours of this pain. It felt like I had people stabbing me in my legs and ripping the knife down. It felt like I was being stabbed with 20 knives at once. They came in and I requested to have my mom with me while I got the epidural. This was the only time my nurse was any good and helped me. The epidural hurt, but honestly I don’t remember the pain. All I know is it was well worth it. I tried to have a natural birth, but I’m glad I had the option of medication.

I couldn’t sleep, but I attributed that again to my adrenalin. During shift change my new nurse realized my Pitocin had been turned off. I asked for answers, but nobody wanted to give me any. Finally at seven pm they checked me and told me I was at ten!! They were going to turn off my Pitocin and in an hour I’d start pushing.

 Everyone got excited and I started freaking out. I knew something was wrong from the moment I entered the delivery room. My thoughts were racing. What if I don’t bond with my baby, I don’t know how to be a mom, what if I have to get a C-section, what if I hurt my baby… When the midwife was setting up for me to push I text messaged my mom asking her, What if I don’t bond with Johnny.” She responded you will. She was right there two feet away I could have just asked her. I was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want Roberto to know I was having second thoughts even though we we’re both so excited the last ten months.

I pushed for fifteen minutes and out came Jonathon. He was placed on my chest and I just stared at him and felt nothing. There was no instant bond. My mom’s words replayed in my head and I thought I; I didn’t feel this so there must be something wrong. I never told a single person. Shortly after Johnny was measured everyone left it was just Roberto, Johnny, and me.

Medication While Pregnant

I had dreams of our baby being a boy, and I just knew he was. At thirteen weeks we had an ultrasound they confirmed I was right. Unfortunately Johnny was un-cooperative and I had to have another ultrasound to view his heart. This second time Roberto had to work so my brother accompanied me Johnny was just as lazy and wanted to sleep the entire time. The ultrasound tech barely said two words and sent me home with fuzzy pictures.

The next day at work I got a call from my OBGYN telling me not to worry…. Right when she said those words my heart started to race and all I did was worry. She then went on to tell me the second ultrasound was still inconclusive and she was sending me to a specialist to view his heart. I freaked out! I immediately started crying and called my mom. My mind started to race and if something was wrong I knew it was my fault. I had been taking 25mg of Zoloft for anxiety and panic attacks for the last 12 years and was still taking it in my first and second trimester. This was with the advice of both my OBGYN and psychiatrist. At that moment the lawyer commercials that were currently on TV were replaying in my mind. I called back and got an appointment with the specialist that day and immediately left work. This time my mom came with me. The specialist was a very nice man and thank god Johnny was being cooperative this time. The whole appointment took about 45 minutes and I was relieved to hear everything was perfect with my baby.

All my doctor appointments from then on were routine and everything was great. My OBGYN recommended getting off Zoloft in my third trimester so that Johnny wouldn’t experience withdrawals. I vowed since Johnny was so healthy I would stop taking it so he wouldn’t have to suffer. I spoke to both my psychiatrist and therapist about this choice and they agreed it was fine. They basically told me I could do whatever I wanted. I was even told I wouldn’t experience withdrawals which was untrue. I woke up with headaches and felt off for about a week or two; nothing that impacted me though. After about a month of being off Zoloft I noticed my anxiety returning.

I was still working so that kept my mind busy. I told my therapist I was scared of post-partum depression and thought I might get it. Her response was not to think about it. If I did I could talk myself into getting it. I begged her to see me more often but she said only once a month was acceptable. I then started noticing these horrible thoughts that I never had before. I would have thoughts of cutting my stomach and of cutting my baby out of my stomach. I dismissed these thoughts easily and never told anyone. The closer I got to delivery the stronger the thoughts got. At the end it almost felt like an urge. All I had been told about PPD or thought about it was depression. I had no idea these thoughts had a name.

I'm so grateful Johnny is healthy! I will definitely do things differently the second time. I want to be able to enjoy every moment with my baby. It makes me sad knowing I can never get that time back. I will do everything in my power to ensure I don't have the same outcome in the future.

 

The Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (In Plain Mama English)

If you're wondering how I feel and have felt read below this prety much sums it up.
http://postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-english-1

You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to beable to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you maybe wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.

You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.

You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines.

You can’t understand why this is happening. You are very confused and scared.

You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.

You feel nothing. Emptiness. You are just going through the motions.

You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying.

You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak anddefective. You feel like a failure.

You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.

You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are. Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done. Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up, and it’s not just because you have a newborn.

You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision. You feel like you’re in a fog.

You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.

Maybe you’re doing everything right. You are exercising. You are taking your vitamins. You have a healthy spirituality. You do yoga.You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?” You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t.

You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery. Or you may have thoughts of harming others.

You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.

Youare afraid thatthis isyour new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.

You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.

You may have postpartum anxiety or postpartum OCD if you have had a baby within the last 12 months andare experiencing some of these symptoms:

• Your thoughts are racing. You can’t quiet your mind. You can’t settle down. You can’t relax.
• You feel like you have to be doing something at all times. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Doing work. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby.
• You are worried. Really worried. All. The. Time. Am I doing this right? Will my husband come home from his trip? Will the baby wake up? Is the baby eating enough? Is there something wrong with the baby that I’m missing? No matter what anyone says to reassure you it doesn’t help.
• You may be having disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that you’ve never had before. Thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren’t the person you thought you were. They fly into your head unwanted and you know they aren’t right, that this isn’t the real you, but they terrify you and they won’t go away. These thoughts may start with the words “What if …”
• You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of the thoughts. You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs, and you avoid them like the plague.
• You have to check things constantly. Did I lock the door? Did I lock the car? Did I turn off the oven? Is the baby breathing?
• You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea. You might even have panic attacks.
• You feel like a captive animal, pacing back and forth in a cage. Restless. On edge.
• You can’t eat. You have no appetite.
• You can’t sleep. You are so, so tired, but you can’t sleep.
• You feel a sense of dread all the time, like something terrible is going to happen.
• You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
• Youare afraid thatthis isyour new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.

I'm sad I had to make this blog private. The fact is some people just don't understand mental illness and say mean and hurtful things. I just want to protect myself from being hurt any further.

Long day! My dads visit went well and now Berto and I are eating dinner and watching TV. I'm already exhausted, but I have to make it till Johnny's bedtime which is 9pm. My eyes are sore and tired from crying. I'm ready to go to bed and let it be tomorrow already.

I just realized I have no plans for basically the entire week. What the heck am I going to do!

Moving In The Right Direction

Last week just flew by. I can't believe I only have one week until starting work again. I hope Johnny doesn't forget who I am. We had a good weekend went out to dinner with friends last night and a BBQ on Friday night. My dads supposed to come over today.... We'll see how this goes.

We've decided to give our dogs away. This makes us very sad, but it's what's best for Johnny. Anyone who has met Snoopy knows he bites. Chloe is harmless but honestly between work and Johnny I just don't think I can handle her. Right now were also holding off moving which makes me very happy. Moving is so stressful, I just want to get settled into work.

Something I never knew about post-partum depression is that people may suffer from intrusive thoughts. I'm one of the lucky ones. I've had them since Johnny was a week old and am still having them. They say sometimes they never go away they just get less frequent and intense. It scares me to be back at work because the building is two stories. An example of the horrible thoughts is in my new building you can look down over the lobby and I thought what if I just jumped off the second floor. I know I would never do it, but the thoughts give you anxiety that you might go "crazy" and just do it. I can say it has gotten so much better and I'm able to deal with them now.

Next Sunday I'm walking to support PPD. I'm hoping some of my friends and family are able to join me. I can't imagine going through this without the help of family and friends and of course doctors. How can someone just keep quiet about this? The walk is called Jenny's Light. It was started by her family in memory of her and her son. Jenny was suffering from PPD and never told anyone. When her son was about a month old she bought a gun and killed both her baby and herself. Everytime I hear a story like this it breaks my heart! I can feel their pain!

Everyone always asks when you have a baby if your happy and how does the baby sleep? My promise is to always ask new moms how they're sleeping. Not sleeping when the baby sleeps is the number one sign of PPD and I can tell you it was the first sign for me. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried! By not sleeping I mean NOT 1 minute of sleep for the first 10 days of Johnny's life. Thank god for sleeping meds. That was the only thing at first that allowed me to get a few hours of sleep. My sleep has gotten so much better. I'm now on half the amount of sleeping medication and have a lot more energy during the day. Johnny just started sleeping through the night so that helps.

Good Morning?

It's now 6:30 and I've already been awake for two hours with my mind racing. Am I ready for work? How can I do this? I'm going to go backwards! I'll end up in the hospital! I can't do this! Johnny was at my moms just like every Tuesday and I still can't manage to sleep in. I wish I could just turn my brain off.

I'm excited to start a new job, but at the same time I'm sick to my stomach. How am I a good mom if I can't stand being home with my son day after day. I look forward to taking him to daycare. What kind of mom has these thoughts. My struggle with going back to work is not because of Johnny. It's because of me. I know he will be well taken care of! I just don't know If I can handle it.

I'm easily overwhelmed with simple tasks is what they put on my disability form. Which is true I'm still this way so why do they think I can handle working and a baby?!? I can't even handle a baby. I love Johnny and wanted him more than anything. I feel sorry that he doesn't have a better more. He's such a happy baby. A loving baby... He deserves more.

Why can't I just be a normal mom!!! Normal moms don't have these thoughts. I've come so far from where I was, but still feel like I have yet to over come post-partum depression. It's been four months when will I wake up from this nightmare!!

For now I'll be starting work March 5th. I guess we'll see if that still works. I never thoughts I'd get a job offer this quick and it's definitely an opportunity I don't want to pass up. Who's saying the economy is still going down the poop shoot? Johnny should be here soon I better jump in the shower.