Homeward Bound

They sent us home on the third day with an appointment to check Johnny’s jaundice levels the next morning. Johnny was born with Robertos blood type therefore he was fighting off my blood.

As I packed my stuff my mind was racing... I remember thinking they’re just going to let me take this baby home. I don’t know what I’m doing. Roberto left to get my prescriptions and the car and I cried after he left thinking please don't leave me alone. He was quick and they called for someone to wheel me down. As I entered the elevator a women joined us and commented on how cute Johnny was. She mentioned she was visiting her baby in the NICU. Her baby was premature and she also told me about how her baby before this was born still born. All I could say was "at least you have this baby."

We got in the car and had no idea how to put the car seat in so the entire way home I held on to Johnny and the car seat. When we arrived home Roberto's family wanted to come over. I was already not feeling well so I asked if they could wait a few days. Unfortunately this turned against me and everyone in Roberto's family was mad at me. What the hell how can I be in the wrong!! I just had a baby and knew something was wrong and now I have to deal with this. So I sucked it up and apologized.

 That night I didn’t sleep 5mins. We took Johnny to Kaiser and I just couldn’t focus. Roberto was getting so mad telling me “I needed to get myself together.” He was furious with the fact that Johnny would cry and I wouldn’t comfort him. I just cried which angered him even more. The next day was the same thing we had to go back to have his blood drawn again. The next day was Johnny’s first doctor appointment. I had been giving Johnny bottles at night because I still wasn’t sleeping and just couldn’t handle nursing 24/7. Johnny was crying he had needed a diaper change and I was too exhausted to even walk back to the parking lot to get his diaper bag. Thank god the doctor made a make shift diaper. I was so pissed at her for making me feel like a failure for giving Johnny formula. She reinforced Roberto’s thoughts that Johnny did not need formula. I hated this woman!! Who was she? Did she even have children?

 

Johnny was one week old when Roberto returned to work; working ten to eleven hours including his commute. He left at 6am and returned at 6pm. When he got home I just wanted him to take over and care for Johnny. I still never got any sleep. Roberto would wake up and ask me if I slept and my response was always no. He said not even 30minutes and I responded not even one minute. My appetite diminished which gave me even more anxiety about nursing. I kept thinking I was going to pass out. One night my mom brought burritos for us and I was stuffing my face. I said oh my god I'm so happy I can eat. Roberto and my mom just laughed at me and said yeah it doesn't look like you’re having problems. What they didn't know was I was forcing myself to eat all the time. I never felt hungry and nothing seemed appetizing to me.