Medication While Pregnant

I had dreams of our baby being a boy, and I just knew he was. At thirteen weeks we had an ultrasound they confirmed I was right. Unfortunately Johnny was un-cooperative and I had to have another ultrasound to view his heart. This second time Roberto had to work so my brother accompanied me Johnny was just as lazy and wanted to sleep the entire time. The ultrasound tech barely said two words and sent me home with fuzzy pictures.

The next day at work I got a call from my OBGYN telling me not to worry…. Right when she said those words my heart started to race and all I did was worry. She then went on to tell me the second ultrasound was still inconclusive and she was sending me to a specialist to view his heart. I freaked out! I immediately started crying and called my mom. My mind started to race and if something was wrong I knew it was my fault. I had been taking 25mg of Zoloft for anxiety and panic attacks for the last 12 years and was still taking it in my first and second trimester. This was with the advice of both my OBGYN and psychiatrist. At that moment the lawyer commercials that were currently on TV were replaying in my mind. I called back and got an appointment with the specialist that day and immediately left work. This time my mom came with me. The specialist was a very nice man and thank god Johnny was being cooperative this time. The whole appointment took about 45 minutes and I was relieved to hear everything was perfect with my baby.

All my doctor appointments from then on were routine and everything was great. My OBGYN recommended getting off Zoloft in my third trimester so that Johnny wouldn’t experience withdrawals. I vowed since Johnny was so healthy I would stop taking it so he wouldn’t have to suffer. I spoke to both my psychiatrist and therapist about this choice and they agreed it was fine. They basically told me I could do whatever I wanted. I was even told I wouldn’t experience withdrawals which was untrue. I woke up with headaches and felt off for about a week or two; nothing that impacted me though. After about a month of being off Zoloft I noticed my anxiety returning.

I was still working so that kept my mind busy. I told my therapist I was scared of post-partum depression and thought I might get it. Her response was not to think about it. If I did I could talk myself into getting it. I begged her to see me more often but she said only once a month was acceptable. I then started noticing these horrible thoughts that I never had before. I would have thoughts of cutting my stomach and of cutting my baby out of my stomach. I dismissed these thoughts easily and never told anyone. The closer I got to delivery the stronger the thoughts got. At the end it almost felt like an urge. All I had been told about PPD or thought about it was depression. I had no idea these thoughts had a name.

I'm so grateful Johnny is healthy! I will definitely do things differently the second time. I want to be able to enjoy every moment with my baby. It makes me sad knowing I can never get that time back. I will do everything in my power to ensure I don't have the same outcome in the future.