Johnny's Delivery

I worked until the end of Sept 10 days before I had Johnny. I kept busy and tried to get out at least once every day. Roberto asked every day if it was time and at one point I contemplated staying with my mom until it was time just so I wouldn’t have to hear him anymore. People were surprised by how active I was so close to my due date. Around five days before I had Johnny I started to slow down and take long naps throughout the day. I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep. When Roberto would come home from work I would think omg I’ve been in bed all day. It was getting so hard I couldn’t breathe, sleeping was always hard work tossing from side to side, and getting up was the worst. I have to say the last month was the most difficult of my entire pregnancy.

Oct 10^th at midnight I woke up and felt period like cramps I went to the bathroom and my underwear were wet. I came back in the room and told Roberto. He was excited and said “your water broke!” I wasn’t sure, but called labor and delivery any ways. They just told me to come in and get checked to see if it did. I asked if I could wait since I had a doctor appointment at 10am. They said if I wanted to. My contraction were getting closer and we were timing them 5mins apart and then 4 and finally at 3 minutes I decided it was time for us to get ready and go to the hospital. We took showers, I put away the laundry, grabbed last minute stuff and at 5:30 am we headed to the hospital.

On the way there I had so much adrenaline I wasn’t noticing anything around me. It was freezing and raining out, but I was in a t-shirt and hot. I had already pre-registered so they took me right back. The nurse remembered I had called earlier and brought me to the monitors to check me. Finally another nurse came in and asked me if I was feeling any contractions because they weren’t showing up. I thought for a second and realized no I wasn’t they had just stopped. I was scarred something had happened to Johnny. He was a lazy baby and kick counts never worked for him. I told her no, and proceeded to tell her about the wet underwear. She asked if I was filling a pad and I said no. She told me I probably just went to the bathroom. Then I got embarrassed and thought how stupid am I going to look this huge pregnant lady wheeling my suit case out of labor and delivery. The nurse let me know they were going to check the fluid just in case. I laid back and they checked me and all of a sudden a big gush came out. The nurses said they were going to check it but were pretty sure it was my water. I asked to go to the bathroom because it was disgusting. I heard a knock on the door and they told me we were going across the hall that I was staying.

I walked out and realized everyone was gone and had to go search for them. They arranged me in the labor and delivery room and it sunk in I has having Johnny very soon. My heart sank and I thought no I don’t want him out! Since my contractions stopped the nurse told me I’d need Pitocin. She ordered my breakfast and an hour later she started the Pitocin. Shortly my mom arrived and finally around one my contractions got bad. Roberto’s mom came to visit as well as my friend. I couldn’t take it anymore and asked them to check me. They told me I was only at a four and that’s when I asked for an epidural. I knew I couldn’t take hours of this pain. It felt like I had people stabbing me in my legs and ripping the knife down. It felt like I was being stabbed with 20 knives at once. They came in and I requested to have my mom with me while I got the epidural. This was the only time my nurse was any good and helped me. The epidural hurt, but honestly I don’t remember the pain. All I know is it was well worth it. I tried to have a natural birth, but I’m glad I had the option of medication.

I couldn’t sleep, but I attributed that again to my adrenalin. During shift change my new nurse realized my Pitocin had been turned off. I asked for answers, but nobody wanted to give me any. Finally at seven pm they checked me and told me I was at ten!! They were going to turn off my Pitocin and in an hour I’d start pushing.

 Everyone got excited and I started freaking out. I knew something was wrong from the moment I entered the delivery room. My thoughts were racing. What if I don’t bond with my baby, I don’t know how to be a mom, what if I have to get a C-section, what if I hurt my baby… When the midwife was setting up for me to push I text messaged my mom asking her, What if I don’t bond with Johnny.” She responded you will. She was right there two feet away I could have just asked her. I was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want Roberto to know I was having second thoughts even though we we’re both so excited the last ten months.

I pushed for fifteen minutes and out came Jonathon. He was placed on my chest and I just stared at him and felt nothing. There was no instant bond. My mom’s words replayed in my head and I thought I; I didn’t feel this so there must be something wrong. I never told a single person. Shortly after Johnny was measured everyone left it was just Roberto, Johnny, and me.